It was a whopper of a day. I decided to do an audition on very little notice. And when preparing, I decided I was going to go, sort of, in costume. It was a play written by Agatha Christie so I decided to wear one of my 40s/50s dresses. At first I though, 'No I shouldn't. I'll look foolish." And then I said, "that means you're doing it little missy." Let me clarify. I didn't do it simply because it seemed foolish. I did it because I thought it would make me stand out and perhaps inform my performance a little, even if it did seem a bit foolish. So I did it. The audition didn't go great, but at least I tried.
Then, I decided to go try to hit the gym pool, one of the major things I wanted to tackle with this new fear project. I've been too afraid to go into the pool area by myself, but have so badly wanted to start swimming. It's a ridiculous fear, but I was so terrified of seeming out of place and doing something wrong. So last night I marched my butt in there. There were a lot of people and no room in the lanes to actually swim, but I did jump in the hot tub for a bit. And leading up to going into the pool, I faced another fear by asking questions of strangers about the pool. I asked the guy at the front desk if it was always open and I asked a lady in the locker room with a swim suit on if it was typically busy. Starting up conversations with strangers is something I've always shied away from, but would like to start doing more of.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Day 3 - Be friendly with strangers
I went to a party, and typically, I'll let myself be the wallflower (unless I've inhaled a substantial amount of liquor). Only once have I gone around at a party intruding myself to everyone present (and I had inhaled a substantial amount of liquor). But yesterday, right after arriving at an acquaintance's party, where I only knew him and the friend I showed up with, I introduced myself to everyone and even managed to make friends with two girls who I originally assumed were way more outgoing than me, and who turned out to be less social. I even encouraged them to come with me to join the larger group of people after we'd spent a long time chatting alone in the corner. I had moments of feeling awkward but I reminded myself that these people were nice and they were probably not judging me the way I let myself believe sometimes, and I ended up having a great time with very little alcohol.
Later on that night, I had a moment of clarity about the way I view myself. From my prospective, I often look out at the world, past this girl who I believe to be ugly and awkward and who no one would want to get to know. And I know that is wrong and that it also negatively affects the way I interact with people. If I could just stop from seeing myself that way, I'd be more confident and happy. I would stop being afraid to talk to people, believing that they don't want anything to do with this freak, and instead I'd probably make a lot of friends.
Later on that night, I had a moment of clarity about the way I view myself. From my prospective, I often look out at the world, past this girl who I believe to be ugly and awkward and who no one would want to get to know. And I know that is wrong and that it also negatively affects the way I interact with people. If I could just stop from seeing myself that way, I'd be more confident and happy. I would stop being afraid to talk to people, believing that they don't want anything to do with this freak, and instead I'd probably make a lot of friends.
Day 2- Book Read-thru
My next fear to face was sharing my creative work with a very critical friend before I'd been able to make sure it was perfect. I'm writing a fiction novel and am no where near being satisfied with it's state, but the writing of it needs outside input and I'd put off letting him read it for too long. So, despite my fear of him hating it and making me not want to continue working on the project, we had a reading of it. I did my best to not make comments about how I hated sections, or how it was horrible, etc. And I braced myself for his comments after we were through. I did tell him to go easy on me as this was a fear I was facing, and I think he did. But he had good things to say, which bolstered my confidence in the project, and he had some constructive criticism that will really help me in moving forward.
One thing I'm learning, lately, is to acknowledge that I can be my toughest critic and to not let that stop me from doing the work or sharing it with others. I have to look at things that have been created by others which have the same (or worse) faults than my own work and realize that I don't entirely suck like I've always let myself believe.
One thing I'm learning, lately, is to acknowledge that I can be my toughest critic and to not let that stop me from doing the work or sharing it with others. I have to look at things that have been created by others which have the same (or worse) faults than my own work and realize that I don't entirely suck like I've always let myself believe.
Day 1- Park Bench
Yes, a park bench. I work on the Disney lot, which reminds me sometimes of a college campus. As I walk to the commissary for lunch every day, I always pass these benches set in the grass, lining the path. They've always seemed like such serene places to sit and relax. But because they are right there along the path where many of my coworkers pass (and hardly ever sit themselves) and are positioned right under people's office windows, I've always been afraid to sit, thinking I'd look foolish or draw attention to myself.
Well, Day 1 of tackle a fear-a-day was here and I hadn't figured out what I was going to do yet. I was at lunch and needed to make some phone calls. So I said "screw it" and I sat myself down. I should mention though, that I also hate phone calls and I hate saying no to people, which is what I was doing on those phone calls. So really, I accomplished 3 things in one go.
I know, it's a weird and small fear, but it's a good start.
Well, Day 1 of tackle a fear-a-day was here and I hadn't figured out what I was going to do yet. I was at lunch and needed to make some phone calls. So I said "screw it" and I sat myself down. I should mention though, that I also hate phone calls and I hate saying no to people, which is what I was doing on those phone calls. So really, I accomplished 3 things in one go.
I know, it's a weird and small fear, but it's a good start.
Fear
I've come to realize, recently, that the source of most unhappiness in my life is frustration with myself because I let my fears hold me back. I don't fully commit in auditions and let my guard down, causing me to rarely land a role. I don't seek out relationships with people for fear of being hurt. I don't seek out a better suited job for fear of rejection and never finding one. I've stopped seeking acting roles because of that same fear of rejection. I'm afraid of looking like a fool and I'd really like that to stop. I want to be like those characters I look up to in film, such as Kate Winslet's character in Eternal Sunshine, or Daisy in Spaced.
They are these crazy, funny women who struggle with the same issues in life but are not afraid to fall down and pick themselves back up again (I admire the actresses just as much as the characters they play). I rarely let myself fall, and when I do, I am terrible of shaking myself off and letting that embarrassment go. That has to change.
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| Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind |
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| Spaced |
They are these crazy, funny women who struggle with the same issues in life but are not afraid to fall down and pick themselves back up again (I admire the actresses just as much as the characters they play). I rarely let myself fall, and when I do, I am terrible of shaking myself off and letting that embarrassment go. That has to change.
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